Romney's Concession Speech

My fellow Real Americans. This is not a concession speech. For I did not lose this election to that godless socialist they call Obama. This is not my fault. I am not to blame. The liberal media have stolen the election, and I have been betrayed by my Party.

Now we can’t take my country back, I mean our country back, from the Marxist liberals.

I am the one entitled to the presidency. It is MY turn.

The American people must be confused. I have money, gosh darn it. And Big Money was on MY side. Why didn’t the American people respect that, and vote for me?

Don’t they know how things are supposed to work in America? More money was spent on this election by my friends than by those democrat bums. The Koch brothers and old man Adelson spent more than Obama’s Hollywood Satanist elites.

Is money not sacred in our elections anymore? Not even after Citizens United? My blue blood thaws at the very notion!

This must surely be the apocalypse that I warned you about if I didn’t win.

I know what happened. I’m a victim of treachery and betrayal from the likes of that brown-nosed Christie, who thinks federal aid for people after a hurricane is more important than ME.

And those turncoat Tea Party idiots have also cost me the election. They were supposed to win this for me. They told me America hates Obama and loves them.

After all my pandering to the Tea Party, look at how the ingrates turned their backs on me. They screwed up, not me.

Their rising stars Akin and Mourdock explained how women won't get pregnant from real rape, and even if she gets pregnant, it's God's will. And they still went and lost to the socialists. Unbelievable! Who can I trust if not the Tea Party?

And what happened to my home state? Massachusetts stabbed me in the back. I never did like those liberal New Englanders anyway.

And my other home state Michigan betrayed me too, and that’s where my birth certificate is!

But the joke is on them. Their trees are not the right height! I just told them that to make them like me.

I’m not buying any more homes in those states again. That'll teach them.

Thanks a lot...for nothing! I’ve taken every possible position on every issue, but was that good enough for you?? Noooo!

None of you are good enough for me now.

You are all now as useless as the other 47% of Americans I don’t like.

No, I will not concede the election to Obama. He didn’t really win.

Americans are too conservative for that to happen.

I said, Americans are too conservative for that to happen...

...Well...where’s the applause after that line from my teleprompter?

Hello?? Are you listening to me??

Anyone?