News Round-Up

There’s so much news lately and so little time to absorb and assess what it’s all about. Let’s take a look at some of the important matters unfolding in our world.

We have both the Petraeus report and the president’s address providing us all with the happy spin of, yes, even more progress in Iraq.

We hear something about the mercenaries of Blackwater USA enjoying an old-fashioned Viet-Nam style free fire zone into Iraqi civilians. Who does the Iraqi government think they are, saying they will expel Blackwater for slaughtering its citizens? Who could believe these mercenaries operate outside the law? They must be under the delusion of believing they’re a free and sovereign nation or something. Do they honestly buy into the wild notion that this mess is about Iraqi freedom?

We hear about a court ruling that the Patriot Act is unconstitutional in allowing the Feds to secretly demand customer information from telecommunications companies without legal authorization. Ho, hum.

And what’s the deal with the Senate Republicans obstructing the restoration of habeas corpus? Why do Republicans hate the Constitution, anyway? I guess it’s because Bush doesn’t need it. ‘Nuff said!

And if we look very carefully, we can even catch a glimpse of something about Howard J. Krongard, the State Department's inspector general. Did he really interfere with fraud and abuse investigations in Iraq and Afghanistan? Could he have suppressed and covered up less-than-flattering reports? Why would he impede an investigation of Blackwater’s illegal smuggling of weapons into Iraq? Why do those clueless Democrats think an inspector general is supposed to inspect things?

But wait! Lookit, everybody! Never mind that boring old politics and war gibberish. OJ’s been ARRESTED again! He’s even in JAIL! Now we have something to talk about.

Yes, that’s news we can all use. What could be more exciting? We gotta see how this one turns out.

Now, let’s get to the good news. I hope everybody felt safer when we heard the president tell us “…we are seizing the initiative from the enemy, and that the troop surge is working.” It gets better. “Now, because of the measure of success we are seeing in Iraq, we can begin seeing troops come home.”

At least we’ll see the returning troops who were supposed to rotate home in the first place. Hooray! We are going back to the number of troops we had before the triumphant surge.

Bush also tells us, “Yet Iraq's national leaders are getting some things done. For example, they have passed a budget. They are sharing oil revenues with the provinces. They are allowing former Ba'athists to rejoin Iraq's military or receive government pensions.”

This makes me so happy. Can this all be too good to be true?

Bush said on Aug. 18. “The Iraqi government in Baghdad has many important measures left to address, such as reforming the de-Baathification laws, organizing provincial elections and passing a law to formalize the sharing of oil revenues.'"

I’d almost call this contradiction a flip-flop, if anybody other than our president said it.

Speaking of oil, didn’t we hear Alan Greenspan say something about the war in Iraq being primarily about oil? How could that be? Don’t tell me Bush’s old buddy and big money donor Ray Hunt just made a sweetheart of an oil deal with the Kurds. That wouldn’t exactly be helpful progress with “sharing oil revenues with the provinces,” would it? Why shouldn’t we just believe the president when he said he didn’t know anything about this?

Oh, my goodness! Come quick and listen! There’s a TAPE of OJ in Las Vegas. It’s on all the channels. Wow, can you believe it?

Where was I? Oh, Yeah. Did anybody see General Petraeus’s reply to Senator John Warner’s question about whether America is safer because of the current strategy in Iraq? He said, “Sir, I don’t know, actually.”

Hold everything! What’s this about some liberal group’s ad in the New York Times? Gasp! They have a lot of nerve to pose the question, “General Petraeus, or General Betray us?” What more proof do you need to see that liberals hate the troops? It’s such a good thing Senator John Cornyn stepped in to address this injustice. The Republican from Texas called upon the Senate to vote to condemn personal attacks against the president’s favorite general and political propagandist. Thanks to the Republicans and a few Good Democrats, the vote passed.

The GOP senators bravely tackled this grave issue amidst their already busy agenda. It can’t be easy, what with blocking habeas corpus rights of detainees, and supporting the troops by forcing them to spend more time deployed in Iraq than at home with their families.

Hey! Check what’s on Fox News! OJ’s out on bond! We have a great aerial view of OJ’s car leaving the jail. Look, they’re interviewing the helicopter pilot who flew over OJ’s famous low-speed chase back in 1994. Man, this is how the news SHOULD be covered.