Heckuva Job, Gonzo

The president got off the helicopter today and went directly to the microphones. It was obviously difficult for George, being the compassionate-for-conservatives kind of guy that he is. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had just turned in his resignation. The memory impaired Texas Mafia sidekick’s offer to step down was “reluctantly” accepted by Bush.

In a brief announcement the president explained to his countrymen that this came about only, “after months of unfair treatment that has created a harmful distraction at the Justice Department.”

Yes, those pesky Senate and House committees kept persecuting poor Gonzo with questions about the politically motivated purging of US Attorneys. Even though poor Al couldn’t remember a darn thing about what had happened under his authority at the Justice Department, those nasty inquisitors on Capitol Hill had the gall to grill him on his midnight visit with John Ashcroft. On March 10, 2004 he and Andy Card went to pressure a hospitalized and heavily medicated John Ashcroft into approving the administration’s warrentless surveillance program.

How could Bush NOT be upset by such a blatant attempt at checks and balances in our government? Ever the diplomat and statesman and all-around uniter, our leader movingly told us, “It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Alberto Gonzales is impeded from doing important work, because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons.”

If that’s not enough to make your blood boil, let’s reflect on what kind of important work good ol’ Honest Al performed for us. Let us all remember, because I’m sure Al cannot recall, what we will always hold as treasured memories of his honor and talents.

In January of 2006 Gonzo advised Bush to deny Justice Department investigators the security clearance needed to inquire about the illegal domestic spying program. Such an investigation, to be conducted by the department's internal ethics watchdog the Office of Professional Responsibility, would have also examined Gonzo’s role as White House Counsel.

In August of 2002, Gonzo helped draft the famous “Torture Memo.” The memo included the opinion that laws prohibiting torture do "not apply to the President's detention and interrogation of enemy combatants." In addition we learn that the pain caused by an interrogation must include "injury such as death, organ failure, or serious impairment of body functions—in order to constitute torture."

On January 25, 2002 we are enlightened by the vision that the Geneva Convention is for chumps. A memo written by White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales said "the war against terrorism is a new kind of war" and "this new paradigm renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitations on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders quaint some of its provisions." After all, during World War Two the Japanese never tortured, beheaded, or otherwise ignored the Geneva rules. Oh, wait. They did all that, didn’t they? That’s beside the point, I guess. The point is, of course, we make our own rules now.

When Bush was acting as executioner-in-chief as governor of Texas, Gonzo would rush through capital punishment reviews by ignoring little details like mental retardation, or defense lawyers napping during the executed person’s trial.

In 1996 Gonzo got George excused from jury duty on the grounds that, "a situation that could have required the governor to disclose his then-secret 1976 conviction for drunken driving in Maine." Gonzales argued, "…that if Bush served, he would not, as governor, be able to pardon the defendant in the future."

As a Texas Supreme Court Justice in 2000, Gonzo handed Enron its biggest legal victory in the state. This was after receiving about $100,000 in contributions from the company. Later Honest Al would work to keep secret the involvement of Enron in Cheney’s energy policy task force.

As Dubya said, “A man of integrity, decency and principle.” The nerve of those treacherous Democrats, unfairly dragging a national hero like Alberto Gonzales through the mud for “political reasons.”